Beginning to realize the truth...

I'm beginning to realize that maybe you aren't nearly as invested in us as I thought you were... no hoped and prayed you were. I've fooled myself into believe your actions have a deeper meaning than they probably really do, because even those are contradictory. I've put so much weight in the things you've done because it's so unusual for someone to be able to do the things but not say the words. Usually the words come easy and the actions reflect the true feelings. So here are a few things I have begun to notice that are telling me you are just keeping me around to have someone, but that you don't actually want me in your life:

1. Someone who truly wants me to be part of their life, and loves me, wouldn't turn down an opportunity to spend time with me... specially when I am offering to do all the work...drive 2 hours, get the hotel, drive 2 hours the next day to work exhausted. They would want to spend as much time as possible with me because they miss me when we aren't together. 

2. You don't share your highs and lows with me. When I have a bad day, I want to talk to you. When something good happens, I immediately want to share it with you. You got a promotion and it was mentioned in passing weeks later. I'm not the person you want to share those things with. If you loved me, I would be.

3. Anytime I ask you something moderately personal you either get defensive or ignore the question. Then, when I make a statement like "you probably wouldn't be interested in this, but..." you get angry because I don't know that you would in fact be interested in that. How would I know what you would be interested in if you don't share those things with me? It's not about letting me in and being vulnerable. I'm not talking about your deepest, darkest secrets. I'm talking about general stuff. Your interest in art and classical music for example. 

4. On the flip side of that, you never ask me about my interests or passions or goals. Anything you may know, you know because I openly shared it with you in the hopes of sparking conversation and finding something we had in common to enjoy.  Someone who loves me and wants to be with me would want to know everything about me. 

5. Yes, you go through the motions and send the "Good morning" and "Good night" texts, but any type of engagement I try to have around those is generally met with one word or short replies. I ask questions that get ignored. I send pictures that get no reaction. It's like you're doi9ng the bare minimum to keep me on the line for when you get lonely. 

6. You never want to talk on the phone. EVER. I don't even have your phone number. We only get to see each other once every couple of weeks... and I would sell my soul to hear your voice during the times we are apart because I miss you that much... but you have less than no interest. And I know you talk on the phone because you talk to your family. I'm not valued enough to rate a phone call every now and then. 

7. And lastly, I've never met your family. You've met a lot of mine and I would love to introduce you to more... but your family doesn't know anything about me. And it doesn't seem like they ever will. 

Lady and the Tramp Dinner

 Since it sets you off and sends you into an Avoidant spiral when I unleash my Anxious verbal diarrhea on you after every visit, I decided I needed to find an outlet for my thoughts and emotions. I can't keep them in, so they have to go somewhere. Eventually, I will put some of my older thoughts here, but for now, this will have to do...

 I'll do the bad first. I'm glad it was dark when you asked me to be on top so you couldn't see the tears in my eyes when I pulled away. I very badly want to be what you want and need, but I'm just not there yet. Even in the dark, I feel to exposed that way and I just can't do it yet. I hope I will be able to one day, when I feel better about myself. The last thing I want to do is disappoint you, and I feel like I did that then. I'm terrified my hang ups will cause you to leave so I keep trying to push myself to do things I'm maybe not ready for. I hope you can understand that and have patience with me. 

 Now for the good... I know you were exhausted and just wanted to stay in the room, but you went out to eat with me anyway. You knew how much I really wanted to try that restaurant so you went. You have no idea how much that meant to me. That alfredo sauce was awful. I have since found out that some people put Nutmeg in their alfredo sauce so that is probably what it was. Ugh. You didn't hesitate to offer to share your spaghetti and meatballs with me... it was just so natural for you.  You knew I didn't like the spicy stuff you put on it so you showed me a spot that would be safe to eat from.. and I fell a little more in love with you. Then you made your Lady and The Tramp comment and I melted. I am pretty sure I never told you about my love for that movie, or the sentimental connection I have with it because of my grandparents so you would have had no idea how that comment would effect me. 

 So, my dad's parents were total opposites. She was a very polished, upper class, educated lady from up north while he was a hard working southern farming boy who decided to join the Navy. They met at Fleet Week and fell in love. Her family was appalled. She was prim and proper while he was rough and tumble, but they were perfect for each other and deeply in love. They married, had three kids and spent the rest of their lives together. I have always called them my Lady and The Tramp, so when you said that, my heart melted. 

Ramblings...

 I wish just once we could have a serious, in person conversation - start to finish. No interruptions. Just have it and move on from it. You are literally the only person I have ever met that I can be 100% myself with. I'm not afraid to tell you what I think or how I feel because I know you are mature enough to process it, talk about it and we can move forward. I just wish we could do that in person instead of text. I know you say I get weird after every time we are together, but honestly, this is why. We have little snippets of important conversation and I never get to finish a thought. Therefore it spills out here afterward. 

So, addressing the most recent snippets... My need to define what we are has been drastically reduced as of late. I think a lot of this is because you have stopped acting like some big time ladies man, player. You've actually admitted to being the opposite. In the beginning, I think you pretended to be like this because it kept me at arms length. You recent admissions have eased my anxiety about us. My need to define what we are... and your resistance to it... stem from the same thing honestly - fear of losing each other and getting hurt. 

It's the same as you not "loving" me. Whether you put a name to how you feel about me or not doesn't change the fact that you do in fact have feelings for me. Now, what your definition of love is versus mine is an interesting topic we can discuss in depth later if you want, but I would define some of what you have expressed and shown me as love. Your inability or unwillingness to let those feeling out of the box so to speak has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with your own fears and past heartbreaks. You have to decide whether to let go of that fear so you can heal and grow and have a better, more fulfilling life, or cling to it and stay where you are. Nothing I say or do is going to influence your choice. All I can do is wait and be patient and hope you choose growth and healing No amount of work or money is going to change where you are emotionally. 

As I said yesterday, you still have a lot to teach me. You are a lesson I hope I never stop learning. I think, after this much time, you should realize I'm not just using you to get over someone else. You know damn well there's something special here or you wouldn't keep coming back. Neither would I. And you need to stop worrying about hurting me. That ship sailed a long time ago. Whether it's 6 days from now, 6 months or 6 years, losing you is going to hurt me. But I would rather have whatever time we get together than regret giving up on someone who is so amazing for the rest of my life just because it's a little difficult. 

I'm content to go with the flow and see where this takes us... as long as you refrain from acting like the tough guy playboy you tried to make me think you were in the beginning. I know that's not who you really are, but it plays on my insecurities and triggers my anxiety. 

I'm Trying...

 So, I've been stewing over your three months comment. When you first said it, my knee jerk was that you were hopeful I would find someone else. I'm surprised you didn't notice the tears in my eyes... or maybe you did and were just too much of a gentleman to say anything. After thinking about it, I think it was more of a passive aggressive way for you to express a fear and still feel macho about it. You know me well enough to know exactly where I would go with that and I did. I'm sure what I said wasn't enough to alleviate your fears. I was responding from the wrong way of thinking so I know it needed to be handled differently. 

So... could I go on Facebook, respond to one of the guys who has sent me a message or liked my profile, and have a date tonight? Absolutely. But, the reality is, none of them would make me feel like you do. I'm 45 years old and I have absolutely never had anyone in my life make me feel so comfortable just being me. I don't have to hide any part of myself from you. I don't have to always be strong and in charge with you. I don't have to hide when I'm not ok. I've never even felt this way with friends... not even my best friend. If I told you right now that I am not ok, I know you would move heaven and earth to come be with me. You've already changed your plans once to be with me when I needed you. No one has EVER done that for me before. When Lizzy had her accident, if she had not been ok I know damn well you would have been there with me... and I know I could have lost my shit for a minute and you wouldn't have thought less of me. You really seem to have no idea how much you mean to me... how rare and special our connection is for me. It's not something I can find with just anyone, and I'm not willing to settle for less. You've shown me what it's like to not have to hide who I am and how it feels to know that someone else has your back. I'm not about to accept less from someone else because it's easy and convenient. I want you. Period. And I'm not going anywhere until you tell me you don't want to be with me. 

I also think the reason you wouldn't let me look at you when we were talking is because you were afraid I would see the vulnerability written all over your face and know the macho act was all just a smoke screen. You know I can read you better than most and didn't want me to see what you were really feeling. Then, when it got too close to you actually having to admit how you feel, you redirected the conversation so you didn't have to. You're really good at holding the mirror up to me and showing me how messed up I am. Sometimes I hate you for it... but it's good for me and I appreciate it as well. I just wish you would hold that same mirror up to yourself and see where you're fucked up. I'm willing to do the self exploration and try to understand where I'm screwed and fix it. I want to be better and I'm trying. But I want you to feel like you can do the same. I want to be your safe place like you are for me. You don't have to hide anything from me... I really do see more than I say and know you better than you think. I love you the way you are... thorns and skeletons and all. I promise you're safe with me. 

I'm going to leave our next meeting up to you. You know my schedule and know I would absolutely stay with you and drive the two hours to work the next morning. Hope you have a good day today and stay dry. Be safe.