So, I've been stewing over your three months comment. When you first said it, my knee jerk was that you were hopeful I would find someone else. I'm surprised you didn't notice the tears in my eyes... or maybe you did and were just too much of a gentleman to say anything. After thinking about it, I think it was more of a passive aggressive way for you to express a fear and still feel macho about it. You know me well enough to know exactly where I would go with that and I did. I'm sure what I said wasn't enough to alleviate your fears. I was responding from the wrong way of thinking so I know it needed to be handled differently.
So... could I go on Facebook, respond to one of the guys who has sent me a message or liked my profile, and have a date tonight? Absolutely. But, the reality is, none of them would make me feel like you do. I'm 45 years old and I have absolutely never had anyone in my life make me feel so comfortable just being me. I don't have to hide any part of myself from you. I don't have to always be strong and in charge with you. I don't have to hide when I'm not ok. I've never even felt this way with friends... not even my best friend. If I told you right now that I am not ok, I know you would move heaven and earth to come be with me. You've already changed your plans once to be with me when I needed you. No one has EVER done that for me before. When Lizzy had her accident, if she had not been ok I know damn well you would have been there with me... and I know I could have lost my shit for a minute and you wouldn't have thought less of me. You really seem to have no idea how much you mean to me... how rare and special our connection is for me. It's not something I can find with just anyone, and I'm not willing to settle for less. You've shown me what it's like to not have to hide who I am and how it feels to know that someone else has your back. I'm not about to accept less from someone else because it's easy and convenient. I want you. Period. And I'm not going anywhere until you tell me you don't want to be with me.
I also think the reason you wouldn't let me look at you when we were talking is because you were afraid I would see the vulnerability written all over your face and know the macho act was all just a smoke screen. You know I can read you better than most and didn't want me to see what you were really feeling. Then, when it got too close to you actually having to admit how you feel, you redirected the conversation so you didn't have to. You're really good at holding the mirror up to me and showing me how messed up I am. Sometimes I hate you for it... but it's good for me and I appreciate it as well. I just wish you would hold that same mirror up to yourself and see where you're fucked up. I'm willing to do the self exploration and try to understand where I'm screwed and fix it. I want to be better and I'm trying. But I want you to feel like you can do the same. I want to be your safe place like you are for me. You don't have to hide anything from me... I really do see more than I say and know you better than you think. I love you the way you are... thorns and skeletons and all. I promise you're safe with me.
I'm going to leave our next meeting up to you. You know my schedule and know I would absolutely stay with you and drive the two hours to work the next morning. Hope you have a good day today and stay dry. Be safe.
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